The Only Man Greater than Light
by nopieghost2
Summary: Lightning is the alpha of her gang, the strongest woman in the Final Fantasy multiverse. But then, she meets Jecht... Are the two powerhouses a perfect couple, or were they doomed from the start? A comedy tale filled with references that fans will love!
1. Chapter 1

*Terra, Tifa, Yuna, and Lightning are in Tifa's bar, Seventh Heaven*

Tifa: So I got a contract with Hooters. They're going to merge with Seventh Heaven if I become their poster girl. It should really increase our profit, which is important for me now that Cloud and I have kids!  
Terra: Wow, Tifa! That's great! How come you never gained weight, though?  
Yuna: Yeah, I could hardly tell you were ever pregnant!  
Tifa: It's my Weight Loss Materia! I bought it off the Shinra Show. They sell lots of great materia. Cloud even bought a Male Enhancement Materia from them, and guess what? It worked!

*awkward silence*

Tifa: Err... Well, my pay raise means I can probably buy lots of flowers for our son!  
Light: You know guys don't like flowers, right?  
Terra: That's not true! There's that cute boy, Firion! He loves them. I haven't seen him lately, though. I wonder what happened.  
Light: Oh, that's my fault. He kept flirting with me after seeing me perform Zanteksun on Hope's corpse. He wanted me to do the same thing to him. One Gestalt later, he was nothing more than a pile of roses.  
Yuna: 0_0 That's so... so...  
Tifa: That's adorable! I can't believe you made him some roses! You're such a nice person, Light.  
Terra: Tifa, she said turn Firion INTO pile of roses, not give him a pile of roses...  
Tifa: What's the difference?

*Terra and Yuna open their mouth, but shake their head and look away*

Yuna: Well, anyways, my boyfriend Tidus finally starting hitting the gym with his father after I pushed him too. His body has really improved.  
Terra: Is that Tidus over there?  
Yuna: Yep, that's him. Way bigger than the last time you saw him, huh?  
Tifa: Damn! He's one sexy bad boy! Cloud doesn't even look half as muscular as your boyfriend!  
Terra: I want to just run my hands over his torso. Those abs are totally ripped!  
Yuna: *nods* Spending time with Jecht has really made him into a stud. He's not the little dweeb of the Blitzball team anymore!  
Tifa: Something's wrong with his shoulder, though. Did he injure himself lifting weights?

*Light chuckles evilly*

Light: No, he ran into someone... stronger than he is.  
Terra: What did you do this time...  
Light: Well, it's not my fault really. I was walking through the Archylte Steep...  
Yuna: You mean the Calm Lands.  
Light: Yeah, same thing. Anyways, Tidus was getting beat up into a bloody pulp by a Behemoth. It was rather amusing so I watched for a few minutes. Neither side was really winning, so I walked up to the Behemoth and b****slapped it. It cried out in pain and died instantly. Then I laughed at Tidus and casually punched him on the side. I didn't know your little boytoy was so delicate that my punch would totally shatter every bone in his shoulder  
Yuna: But wait, all of Tidus's other injuries have healed already! The only one that's lasted was your punch…. how did your punch last longer than the Behemoths's attacks?  
Light: Do you really think a Behemoth has a fraction of the power of a L'cie?

*Light faintly taps an NPC, causing him to instantly shriek and explode in gore*

Light: There's a reason FF13 doesn't have any towns.  
Terra: 0_0  
Tifa: Wow, that was violent! It reminds me of the time when Sephiroth killed...  
Yuna: No spoilers please.  
Tifa: ...my rival. Best day of me life.  
Light: Nobody can stand up to me. I doubt I'd ever find a guy that could control himself in my presence. Snow's reduced to a babbling fool whenever he even looks at my body. Hell, I think even Serah gets jealous of sexy body.  
Tifa: Wow, you're a total god among us!  
Light: No, I'm a Fal'cie among you.  
Terra: Still, it's sad that you'll never find a man who you can love...

*The door to the bar opens dramatically. A massive hunk of muscle walks in as the entire room starts to reek of male testosterone. Dozens of people moan and wimper as a powerfully built man walks through them*

Jecht: Yo, get me a ****ing x-potion, mutha****er.  
Bartender: *pees his pants* Yes, sir! *gets a drink*  
Jecht: *drinks x-potion in one gulp* Yeah, nothing like a x-potion to relax my muscles after an intense work-out!

*The 4 girls are looking at Jecht in awe*

Yuna: I can never get over how sexy Tidus's dad is *sigh*  
Tifa: Damn, his smell is so manly that it's overpowering my brain from all the way from over here! I don't know how I'd react if I was standing right next to him...  
Terra: Did you see that bartender? He freakin exploded in his pants on looking at Jecht! Tidus's dad is a total BEAST!  
Tifa: He even makes Tidus look like a dweeb! He's got, five times the muscle that Tidus does! How can any man be that huge?  
Light: I... I can't believe it.  
Yuna: Huh?  
Light: I finally know what it's like to feel like a woman... to know what it's like to be attracted to a man... This may be the first time I've met a mortal whose power rivals even mine...

*The 3 other girls look at Lightning, who is breathing heavily and staring intently at the irresistibly sexy god named Jecht*

Terra: Light... you may have a chance.  
Tifa: Go get that hunk, Light!  
Light: Right.

*Light charges towards Jecht as she runs across the bar*

Yuna: I can't believe you guys encouraged Light to go after MY BOYFRIEND'S DAD!  
Terra: It sounds way dirtier when you say it like that...

*Light walks up to Jecht. Tidus sees her and creams himself*

Tidus: Hey dad, I have to, uh, use the toilet.  
Jecht: Go. And don't come back.

*Tidus cries and runs off*

Light: Your son is pretty pathetic.  
Jecht: Damn, you could tell by just looking at him? He needs a spanking again...  
Light: *laughs* No, I know him better than that. Remember that Behemoth that broke his shoulder?  
Jecht: What about it?  
Light: It wasn't a Behemoth. It was me.  
Jecht: You looking for a fight, woman?  
Light: No, I'm looking for a man. Someone like you.  
Jecht: I'm not into people who beg to get down with me.  
Light: You don't like beggars, huh?

*Light punches Jecht's abs. A sound like a massive explosion echoes through the bar*

*Jecht Is standing upright, while Light is kneeling down in pain*

Light: No... Your power... It's impossible. Not even Absolute Virtue could survive my punch...  
Jecht: I'm quite shocked at your strength...  
Light: What?  
Jecht: You're the first woman who has ever stood next to me for a over a minute without turning into a babbling fool, begging to be my bedslave. Not only that, but you managed to make me lose a single point of HP. That kind of power, the strength to even inflict a small amount of pain on my superhuman, indestructible body, toned from spending years in the gym... You turn me on.  
Light: You mean... You'll go on a date with me?  
Jecht: I'll do more than that, girl...

*Jecht growls, manliness pouring out of him as Lightning is shaking at the knees*

Jecht: I'll give you a night you'll never forget.

*Later, at Lightning's house*

Light: What should I wear, what should I wear, what should I wear...  
WoL: I keep telling you, this man likes your appearance just the way you are. I mean, he said himself that you are one of the rare women who turned him on.  
Light: I appreciate your concern, Fighter, but you're a meatshield, not a love guru.  
WoL: Don't tell me that Black Mage has been telling you stories again...  
Light: Whatever. It's obvious that Cosmos and you are too nervous to get in bed with eachother.  
WoL: How dare you!...  
Light: Black Mage even told me about the time you were so nervous to buy a pack of rubber, he had to Fighterdoken you into Condom Sense! And then you left without even buying any!  
WoL: That little mutherfu...

Random Music: The Pilgrims are gathering and the marching band, the marching band's howling...

Light: Oops, there's my cell phone! *flips open cell* Yeah?  
Jecht: Just wanted to make sure you're ready. I've got something ready for you at my place in thirty minutes. Don't forget, b****. *hangs up*

Light: Oh my gosh, his voice is so deep and manly. I can't even believe I'm obsessing over a man so much.  
WoL: You still have to decide upon your costume.  
Light: Hmm... *looks at clothes* I've been thinking... perhaps my Aya Brea costume?  
WoL: WHAT? Heavens no, that thing tears itself apart after just a few scratches! It doesn't even have good defense! If you and Jecht get at it...

*Light winks at WoL*

WoL: Ah... I see what you want. I'm sure he'll think it's kinky.  
Light: Don't worry, Fighter, I'll have my Protect spell ready just in case...

*Light takes out her crystal and shatter it*

Light: ODIN! LET'S RIDE!

*Lightning jumps on Odin's back and gallops to Jecht's house*

*Light jumps off Odin as she arrives at Jecht's house, only to see Tidus crying in the front yard*

Light: Hey, it's you again.  
Tidus: Huh? Oh, Light. Why are you wearing a black shirt and blue jeans?  
Light: Err... It's because... uh...  
Tidus: Did dad tell you to wear it? He's such a mean, bossy d****. He kicked me out of the house just because you're coming over. Probably wants to do something kinky with you.  
Light: Kid, if I wanted to do something kinky I would have worn my FFXIII-2 armor with feathers covering my ass. Not to mention I haven't switched my paradigm to Commando... yet.  
Tidus: Paradigm? Commando? What does that even mean?  
Light: It doesn't mean anything now get out of my way.

*Lightning grabs Tidus by the shoulder and tosses him out of the way before heading into the house*

Tidus: SHIT! That's the same shoulder you broke in the Calm Lands!

*Lightning enters a dark, candle-lit room, with a shirtless Jecht sitting at a small table in the center*

Jecht: About time you came. Don't tell me that stupid kid was bothering you again. I spanked him hard as soon as we got home.  
Light: No, that's not it. I was just trying to choose something sexy to wear.  
Jecht: The only thing I think is sexy is raw, pure power. Strength like a Highwind with a Genji Glove.  
Light: A Highwind? I'm way stronger than any Dragoon. Let's have a wrestling match, stud.  
Jecht: I'd love to, she-dog, but first we gotta eat. I've got some of the finest Turtle Meat in the entire Archylte Steep. Even Exdeath doesn't find such tasty diversions in the afterlife. Bring in the food, slave!

*CoD enters the room holding a plate in each hand, as well as one with each tentacle*

CoD: Here is your Turtle Meat... master.  
Jecht: Thanks, slave. Now go back to the darkness where you belong.

*CoD glares at Light and hisses before retreating*

Light: Wait, you have a naked woman for a servant? 0_o  
Jecht: First of all, she's a slave, not a servant. I don't pay her, she does anything I ask of her willingly, just like all women do. Second, she's more of a status symbol than anything else. I don't even find her that attractive, honestly. I ordered her to shoot a thousand particle beams at my abs, but they all deflected off of me. They didn't even leave a scratch on my superior body.  
Light: Wow... Your power is amazing. I bet that b**** is jealous of me, since I'm the one dating you. That girl was practically drooling over your huge muscles.  
Jecht: Yeah, I don't think I've met a woman who didn't want me. You're the first one I've ever wanted, though. Here, feel my biceps.

*Jecht flexes his arm and offers it forward. Light stares at the huge ball of power rippling off Jecht's arm, then touches it*

Light: Oh my gosh... so much power. I can't believe a man so powerful exists... I can't believe you could even stand my touch. Every other man on the planet would have pissed himself just being this close to an alpha b**** like me. But not a sexy hunk like you, not a bronzed god…. This is so overwhelming for me….  
Jecht: Heh, even a superhuman L'cie can't resist my godlike perfection. But let's eat before we go any further, though.

*Jecht and Light start politely eating plates of meat. Light glances up at Jecht every few bites to see his powerful, sexy neck muscles rippling as they devour massive quantities of protein. She feels her jeans begin to moisten. Meanwhile, Jecht is surprised at how attractive Light looks in a black tee-shirt. He feels his shorts begin to tighten. Both are nervous and want to impress their date.*

Light: You know, believe it or not, I'm not used to eating food so slowly. I've spent years out in the wild, so forgive me if I forget some common manners.  
Jecht: Woah, you mean you eat with your elbows on the table?  
Light: Yeah...  
Jecht: And you wipe your mouth with your arms?  
Light: Well, kinda...  
Jecht: And eat with your bare hands?  
Light: My hands are stronger than a knife or fork could ever be...  
Jecht: SINDAMNIT why didn't you tell me before? Screw mannerisms, let's go all out!

*****Light switches to the Ravager paradigm as she and Jecht screw the rules and ravenously eat TURTLE MEAT*

*After Light and Jecht finish eating a massive pile of Turtle Meat*

Light: Damn, I'm stuffed. I can't believe you ate as much as I did. It takes a lot of Turtle to fuel my L'cie powers. After all, that's my secret to having infinite Cure spells.  
Jecht: Wait, you're done eating already?  
Light: Huh? What do you mean, "already"?  
Jecht: I was just about to get my ninety-third plate of Turtle Meat. COME HERE, SLAVE!

*CoD comes back holding several plates of Turtle Meat and places it on the table.*

Light: H-h-h-how do you even get this much meat? I mean, I can usually make enough Turtle Meat for a snack by taking a jog through the Archtyle Steep and b****slapping the occasional Turtle, but this is ridiculous!  
Jecht: Well, when I was a wee lad I played in the Peninsula of Power and killed Warmechs for fun. I brought a few of my friends with me and tried to show them how to kill Warmechs with me, but they always got killed on the first round of combat. It wasn't until several years until later when I learned that most humans actually have less than 258 Defense unless they wear armor. Pathetic, right? What kind of weak ****er needs armor to prevent getting killed by the lasers of a dozen Warmechs?  
Light: Warmechs? That's sad. I could kill an army of those with nothing more than my left elbow… when I was in elementary school.

Jecht: You know what I'm talking about, girl! Anyways, eventually I got bored of killing the local Warmech population. Some guy named Gilgamesh happened to raid my village one day and stole everything from the weapon shop. King Steve was freaking out because all the pathetic "warriors" that protected the kingdom were too weak to fight without weapons, so he built a bridge for me so I could chase after the mutha****er.  
Light: I bet it was one kickass bridge, huh?  
Jecht: Yeah. I call it SexGod Jecht's Kickass Bridge.  
Light: Hmm…. Black Mage told me about something like that… There was a different name for it, though…  
Jecht: *coughs* What's that?  
Light: Nothing. Please continue.

*Jecht winks at Light, her heart beating at the perfection of his masculine features and powerful neck*

Jecht: Anyways, I followed this guy, Gilgamesh, into this big hole that he called, "The Void". The fool almost spotted me, but I grabbed a nearby cardboard box and hid under it.  
Lightning: That's a smart move. You would make an amazing warrior in the battlefield.  
Jecht: Yeah, guy never saw it coming. I pounced on him when he was unaware and broke his neck with one swift snapping motion. It was only then that I noticed a small human in the corner. He was reading some sissy manga before I jumped out of the box, but as soon as he saw me he got a huge stain on his pants. Guy ****ing unloaded all over himself as soon as he got a glimpse of my huge, manly muscles. I asked him if he knew anything about the weapons, but he claimed that some sniper chick that was keeping him hostage had bought all those weapons from Gilgamesh. Wolf? Fox? Hound? I don't remember her name. Anyways, I went to assassinate her…

*Light casts Stop on Jecht, who is talking way too much and starting to sound more like an old man than a sexy musclegod*

Light: Wow, this story is really interesting, but when do you get to the part where you tell me about the Turtles?  
Jecht: Hmm? Oh yeah, that. So after journeying on my really long quest through several universes in the Void, I met Titan, the Fal'cie.  
Light: Oh gosh, Titan. The only creature I have never been able to defeat… besides you, of course, Jecht.  
Jecht: I took him on in an arm-wrestling match. Our terms? He could use both his arms and the help of a dozen other Fal'cies of his choice. I would use my pinkie. If I won, he would have to give me an infinite supply of TURTLE MEAT as long as I live and if he won, I would be his b**** for eternity. I guess Fal'cie's don't get much bed action on Pulse.  
Light: Well, it's quite clear who won.

*Jecht smirks and shoots a sexy double bicep pose. Power reeks off of his massive, shirtless torso, causing Lightning to moan in lust.*

Jecht: Damn right it is! Now Titan has to send me tons of Long Gui meat every week. If that stupid wannabe God forgets, I'll make him my L'cie… forever!  
Light: Wait, I thought only Fal'cie could turn humans into L'cies…. Oh, wait…..  
Jecht: I'm no human. It's not me that has to be scared of the Gods, girl. It's them that got to be scared of me. Isn't that right, she-dog?  
Light: *blushes as she realizes how horny she is* It most certainly is, handsome…  
Jecht: That's right, girl… I think I wouldn't mind a bit of bedtime now. It's starting to get late.  
Light: Solo, or multiplayer?  
Jecht: It's always better with friends. *winks* You'll love what I've got prepared for you now.  
Light: I think you'll be surprised as well.

*The two smile, then head to the Jecht's "special room". They have a very enjoyable night. Meanwhile, Tidus is watching enviously from a window, wishing that he was half as sexy as his superhuman muscledaddy…*


	2. Chapter 2

*The next day*

Squall: Look, Tidus, I already told you I don't socialize much with girls. I can't give you tips on how to make Yuna happy.  
Tidus: I call BS! That Rinoa chick is crazy for you! Hell, you don't even have a body nearly as muscled as mine, yet girls fall for you left and right.  
Squall: Body isn't everything, Tidus.  
Tidus: Then explain how Dad gets so much action? All he has is a body anyways.  
Squall: Not true. He's much sexier than you in more ways than that.  
Tidus: Oh yeah? Name one.  
Squall: For one, he's not a chicken wuss who goes around trying to act like a damn hero that's on caffeine 24/7.  
Tidus: You saying that heroes like me are repulsive?  
Squall: No, I'm saying that idiots like you are repulsive.

*Tidus is about to raise his sword at Squall, but then stops*

Tidus: Fine. I'm doing something wrong. Atleast tell me what makes that Rinoa girl lust after you so much.  
Squall: GF-Damnit, Tidus! Do you think I know? That b**** is annoying anyways. If I knew why she liked me, I'd stop acting that way. I'd much rather have a woman who doesn't act like a total slut, like your girlfriend Yuna.  
Tidus: Yuna? A decent woman? You haven't played FFX-2, have you?  
Squall: Admittedly, I have not…

*Meanwhile, Jecht is chatting with Shantotto, Jecht's older and experienced ex-girlfriend.*

Jecht: So, I'm seriously hot for that chick Lightning. Dem legs, they're so delicious, yet destructive.  
Shantotto: Ohoho, that woman you desire so much, seems to be quite enjoyable to touch.  
Jecht: F*** yeah she was. She was wearing a sweet costume. Black shirt, blue jeans. Women tend to overdress or underdress nowadays, but that costume was just perfect. And when we got to the action, you wouldn't believe what happened.  
Shantotto: I am quite curious to your tale, so please tell me before I turn you into a whale.  
Jecht: That fabric ****ing tore apart! Can you believe it? Her clothes actually ripped apart! I gave her a punch to the chest, and BAM, her shirt split down the middle. Can you say eye candy? My Sneak Attack on her Rough Divide gave me a wonderful view of her glutes, as well.  
Shantotto: That's a lie, I don't take those fibs to heart! No way Light's clothes would fall apart!  
Jecht: I'm totally ****ing serious, girl. Even I'm surprised that ERSB allows women to wear clothes like that. They're usually as bad as 4Kids.

*Shantotto shivers in fear*

Shantotto: 4Kids? Not them, no no! They'd even censor a freakin' game show!  
Jecht: That's true, they're all just a bunch of stupid little s****s. Their censoring smells worse than Chaos's armpits!  
Shantotto: Hey, it is an unwritten rule that only I can rhyme! And BTW smelling Chaos's armpits is a waste of time.  
Jecht: Gosh, it was just a figure of speech _ (probably).

*Tidus, disappointed that Squall could not help him become as manly as Jecht, went back to Seventh Heaven to hang out with his old Dissidia buddies*

Bartz: So then the Blitzball idiot comes in, and he goes, "What does Commando even mean?"

Zidawn: Holy crap, that's hilarious. Your imitations of dream boy are perfect.

Tidus: Hey, what's up guys?

Bartz: Oh, Tidus! Didn't see you there _

Zidawn: We were talking about… um… Butz. Yeah, Butz! Soft Butz.

Bartz: Soft Transgender Pirate Butz.

Tidus: Err… that's cool… I guess…

*Tidus looks at Zidawn and Bartz suspiciously, then walks away to a different group.*

Zidawn: Heh, did you see him! Idiot's probably still a virgin.

Bartz: Like you?

Zidawn: Hey, I'll let you known I've slept with a princess once!

Bartz: Maybe, but have you slept with a princess, a transgender pirate, and the granddaughter of Obi-Wan all at the same time?

Zidawn: … Why do you get to have all the Butz, Bartz? None of the women you slept with were in 3D, anyways. Sleeping with a two dimensional woman must feel odd.

Bartz: Au contraire, my little canary, sleeping with a two dimensional woman is quite enjoyable. Much better than sleeping with that fat blue hippo that raised your little princess.

Zidawn: How did you know I…

*Tidus walks towards Cloud, who is hanging out by himself*

Tidus: Hey Cloud, I have a question.

Cloud: Not interested.

Tidus: Tifa said something about you being skilled at faking your gender.

Cloud: !

Tidus: So I was thinking you must have some pretty good experience at acting like a manly man.

Cloud: Shut up. I hate you. Yes, I dressed up like a female once…

Tidus: No, I'm talking about the time you faked being a man.

Cloud: ?

Tidus: Remember, the time you crossdressed to save Tifa?

Cloud: I don't see what crossdressing has to do with me being a manly… Oh.

*Cloud starts casting Knights of the Round on Tidus. Before he can finish, however, a midget girl casts interrupts them*

Shantotto: *reading from a paper* Hello. I, Shantotto, have been instructed to invite all of you to a party at Jecht's place, hosted by Jecht, Lightning, and a surprise guest. You may bring whomever you want, male or female, to the party. Wear something that's easy to take off. The party will be five days from today. Farewell, Dissidians!

*Shantotto casts Teleport and leaves the bar.*

Cloud: Isn't that girl underage? I could have sworn she was drunk as well.

Tidus: I guess it's hard for her to speak without rhyming without a bit of whiskey first.

Cloud: What were we talking about anyways? Do you want an X-potion? It's on the house.

*Cloud is smiling*

./_

Tidus: 0_0 No... I'm, uh, fine.

*Haunted by the image of Cloud's smile, Tidus flees*

Lightning: I'm hosting a party with Jecht tomorrow. I'm… not experienced in these things.

WoL: Don't worry. Just have fun and enjoy yourself. So what kind of party is it?

Lightning: Well, Jecht said it was an orgy…nization.

WoL: You mean an organization? What kind of party is that?

Lightning: I'm not sure I know myself.

WoL: Damn Agito characters. I know it has something to do with that card boy!

Lightning: Um, yeah. _Anyways,_ have you seen Cloud? Tifa's trying to find him so that they can be get ready for the party, but it seems he's goofing off again.

WoL: Probably breeding chocobos. Guy's obsessed with beastality, the only time I see him smile is right after a session in the farm.

Light: Well, I guess everybody has their little fetishes…

WoL: This is more than a fetish. It's an obsession. You wonder why it took so long for Cloud to find the flower girl? He wasn't looking for her, he making love with his yellow birds and "training" them instead.

*Lightning is weirded out by WoL's knowledge of Cloud's private habits. The doorbell rings, and Light goes to open it.*

OK: Hello, miss. Would you like to buy some cookies? They're for my school fundraiser.

Light: Of course! How much do they cost? 20 gil, maybe 30?

OK: 599 US dollars.

WoL: US dollars? What's that?

Light: Erm… could I give you gil instead?

OK: We don't accept gil, 'mam… Everyone in this neighborhood will only pay in gil…

WoL: Gil is the only type of currency around here, boy. If you don't take that, then please leave and stop harassing us.

OK: But… but…

Light: Sorry, but it would be best if you find some place where they accept these… "US dollars" thing.

*Light shuts the door and locks it

Light: Glad that got fixed. I wonder who he was. Do you think the poor child has lost himself in the Rift?

WoL: Wait… I do seem to remember a notice for a kid who wore red armor and had a onion hat. The kid was going around and searching for a sword-wielding, pink-haired woman with a cape, or something. Could it be that…?

*Meanwhile, outside of Light's house*

OK: *speaking into cellphone* Yes, I have found where the woman is living. No, she does not seem to have much backup besides a single male human in blue armor. If she is anywhere as powerful as the rumors say, though, I would not recommend attacking her without great power. But of course, my lady, you can defeat her easily… heheheh…

*OK walks into a portal, transporting him far away*

Nopieghost: And now it's time for… DISSIDIA CRACK PAIRINGS!

*Exdeath and Mateus are shopping at a savepoint in PalomPolum*

Mateus: MWAHAHAHAHA!  
Exdeath: HERP DERP!

*Squall passes by*

Squall: What the hell? Is something funny?  
Mateus: No, nothing… MWAHAHAHAHA!  
Exdeath: HERP DERP!  
Squall: Whatever, guys… I'm out of here.  
Mateus: Actually, we just got back from SUPPER…  
Exdeath: And I must say that the FRUIT was quite delicious!  
Mateus: Exdeath's eating habits seem to have… erm… RUN AMOK, however.  
Exdeath: We had to JUMP IN THE BOAT later.  
Squall: Go talk to a wall.

*Squall leaves*

Mateus: But we weren't joking…  
Exdeath: Whatever. Let's go back to shopping for Jecht's party, honeybunch!  
Mateus: Indeed we shall, my tree.

*Exdeath and Mateus go back to shopping*

*Terra and Kefka are also out shopping*

Kefka: Ooh! What a delightful outfit! Don't you think it's just ADORABLE?  
Terra: Erm… if you say so?  
Kefka: Now now, have some enthusiasm, my dear! Papa doesn't like it when you're upset!  
Terra: Oh boy, I love this outfit so much! I'll wear it everyday for the rest of my life, anything so that I don't have to wear that Slave Crown again!  
Kefka: There, that's better! You have much better tastes than your friend Tifa. I can't stand her plain clothing. It must be so tight on her breasts, and her pants? Who needs those when you can simply go bottomless instead! No, I like your new, puffy sleeves much better. How much is it, you filthy NPC?  
NPC: That would be 500 gil.

*Kefka casts Light of Judgement on NPC, turning him into a pile of ash*

Kefka: Ah, thanks for the discount! You're quite kind, my friend! Shall we be off to potion store, Terra? I do love me some megalixer at night.  
Terra: *sigh* Why did I choose this guy over Locke? Oh yeah, because of Celes, the stupid b****…

*Zidane is roaming the streets of a random town, looking for hot chicks

Zidane: Dang, who am I gonna take to the party with me? Garnet's way too snotty to go to a orgy…nization with us non-aristocrats.

*A good-looking woman in a purple dress passes by. She has a massive broadsword tucked in her pants*

Zidane: Hmm, I know a guy with a sword like that… Wait, Cloud!  
Cloud: !

*The woman flees into an alley, but Zidane chases after her*

Zidane: Cloud, I know that's you.  
Cloud: I ain't INTERESTED in an ugly scrub like you!  
Zidane: What the heck… No need to get all hostile. What are you doing out here anyways?  
Cloud: Tifa wants me to go with her to Jecht's party. Can you believe it? I'm not going to a party with a guy that manly! Everyone already thinks I'm feminine as I am. Compared to him, I may as well have two x-chromosomes.  
Zidane: Err… okay. You think your girlfriend won't recognize you in that disguise?  
Cloud: Better than nothing. What do you want anyways?

*Zidane sighs*

Zidane: Actually, I wanted to find someone to go to the party with me. It's a little Dissidia reunion, you know? Looks like you're not interested, though…  
Cloud: You're right.  
Zidane: Well, I guess that's it. I thought since we're both hardcore chocobo riders you would be interested, but…  
Cloud: Wait a sec, you ride chocobos too?  
Zidane: Yep.  
Cloud: You… you know… "ride" them? For pleasure and fun?  
Zidane: Yep. I'm half-monkey too. Firing up your beastial urges, am I?

*Cloud attempts to curse, though all that comes out is random symbols*

Cloud: Fine, I'll go with you. But only if I get a piece of your monkey tail after this.  
Zidane: I prefer women, but hey. Beggars aren't choosers. *winks at Cloud*

*It is only one day until Jecht's party. Everyone is excited except Gabranth, who kicked a puppy out of hatred. He then arrested himself for breaking the law and gave himself a red card, lowering his stats. Meanwhile, Tidus is on the phone, talking to Yuna*

Tidus: Hey Yuna, you got an invitation to my dad's party tomorrow? I wanted you to come as my assist.  
Yuna: Of course! I've been hearing all about the party from the others. It seems they're having quite a time just preparing for it! I do feel bad for poor Terra, though…  
Tidus: Oh? Why's that?  
Yuna: She's the assist of… the mad clown.  
Tidus: That guy? Why would she go down to his level? I'm sure she could find a better man to go with.  
Yuna: Yeah, it's a real pity. I'm suspecting blackmail, but there's no evidence to prove it.  
Tidus: Too bad. Anyways, could we meet up at Dream's End later today? I have a surprise to show you.

*Tidus hears Yuna giggling over the phone. He smirks.*

Yuna: What's the surprise?  
Tidus: It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you now, would it? Come down there by 6 o'clock. I'll be waiting, girl…

*Tidus hangs up, an arrogant grin spread across his youthful face* 

*Bartz and Kain are hanging out, two single men with plenty of opportunity*

Bartz: Everyone's already have a partner for the party tomorrow... I'm so pissed. Why don't I have a girl yet?  
Kain: Your reputation as a pimp has probably spread across the multiverse by now. After Lenna, Faris, and Krile realized you were dating them all at once, your chance of getting with a woman dropped faster than a dragoon finishing their Jump.  
Bartz: Hell, even Zidane has a girl! Some hot chick with blonde gravity-defying hair.  
Kain: I don't think that's a chick...  
Bartz: Huh?  
Kain: Anyways, what's the party about?  
Bartz: Jecht and Light are having an orgy-nization. You need a partner to go, though...  
Kain: Wait, Light? You mean Lightning!  
Bartz: Yeah? What about her?  
Kain: Hmph... I haven't seen her in a while. Perhaps I should pay her a visit.  
Bartz: Who are you going to go to the party with?

*Kain laughs at Bartz*

Kain: You think I need an assist? Then you don't understand the difference between you... and a REAL MAN!

*Kain jumps through the roof and exits* 

*Shantotto walks up to Lightning's House and rings the doorbell. WoL opens the door.*

Shantotto: Hello, good lad. Is she here, the beautiful lily pad?  
WoL: Beautiful lily pad? You mean Light? No, she's out. If you're a Jenova's Witness, then please leave. We've had three of those come by this month.  
Shantotto: Where, pray tell, is Light right now? Could I have her number, that cash cow?  
WoL: I have no reason to trust you. Why should I give you her phone number?

*Shantotto's eyes glow hypnotically. She stops rhyming as her voice becomes dangerously quiet*

Shantotto: Well, there's no reason why you shouldn't, my lad. Besides, I'm just a young little girl, right? There's no way I'm actually an old and powerful war heroine with devastating, unrivaled magic that could easily destroy this entire town ten times over.

*WoL ponders this for a moment, then nods*

WoL: You do bring up a good point. I guess I could tell you what her cell number. I like swords. *writes number on a piece of paper*  
Shantotto: Thanks, good sir! Though, I do believe it would be best not to have any witnesses. I'm sure the world can do with one more cadaver. If anyone asks, you died of lung cancer.

*Shantotto laughs maniacally as she waves her hand. A meteor falls on top of Light's house. As the dust clears, Shantotto is happy to see nothing more remains but a corpse and the ruins of a building.*

Shantotto: Hohohoho! This is quite excellent, the man's death was not evident. Farewell, dead one, but I do have to run!

*She laughs once more as she leaves into the same portal as OK*

*Mateus and Exdeath are still shopping. They see a figure in the sky*

Mateus: It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's…

Exdeath: HERP DERP!

Mateus: Stop interrupting my lines, tree!

*Mateus b**** slaps Exdeath with his long, sexy, golden staff as Kain lands right by them*

Kain: You're not very eco-friendly, are you? Trees are good for the environment.

Exdeath: Yeah! I'm good for the environment ._.

Mateus: Shut up, tree! *slaps Exdeath again* Anyways, what do you want?

Kain: Hmph… I was wondering if you knew where Lightning was. The pink-haired woman?

Exdeath: HERP DERP!

*Mateus sighs and casts Fire XVI on Exdeath, burning him into charcoal*

Mateus: Light? Well, I do know where her house is, but I doubt she's there. The girl has been running around quite a bit lately, as has Jecht. Rumors say his son Tidus has used this opportunity to do stuff at home his father would not allow him to…

Kain: I'm not interested in the blitzball kid, or rumors in general for that matter. Do you have any FACTS about Light?

Mateus: Oh! There was a small rhyming girl looking for Light earlier today. She rented The Void from my hubby Exdeath. If you go inside the portal, you might find where Light is right now…?

Kain: Sure, sounds like a plan. You better not be lying, though, because if you are I'll have to impale you with a powerful thrust of my spear.

Mateus: …

Kain: …

Mateus: You didn't intend for that innuendo to be that obvious, did you?

Kain: No…

*Light is walking peacefully along the edge of Dream's End. She feels unusually happy*

Light: Wow, this place truly is romantic. Romantic? I've never thought I'd use a word like that. I've never felt been the lovey-dovey type, not like Serah, but this is absolutely beautiful. Of course, it helps that a sexy hunk of a man is going to be arriving any time now, and then we can have hot, passionate fun down in the fiery lava…

*Light giggles, then catches herself and stops*

Light: How out of character… I'm supposed to be the alpha b****, queen bee of the lesser Final Fantasy Females. But around Jecht… how can I maintain my cool composure with his masculine, overmuscled bronze body around? I can't wait for him to arrive here. Is that him now?

*Light glances to the side, expecting to see her heroic sexy musclegod Jecht. Instead, a stupid, unlovable boy comes along.*

Tidus: L-L-L-Light? What are you doing here?

Light: *snarls* I could ask the same of you, boytoy. Do you have something important to tell me? Otherwise, beat it.

Tidus: Sorry, Light, but I'm having a date with my girlfriend here. We were going to have hot, passionate fun in the fiery lava. I'm not sure if Yuna wants a three-way...

Light: Woah, is this some kind of joke? I'M having a date with your father in a few minutes! Get the **** out of here or your daddy is going to see a sad pile of flesh and bone where you're standing right now.

*Tidus is about to object, but then he gets an idea. Perhaps a double date could give some interesting possibilities...*

Tidus: Well, there's nothing wrong with us all having a date at once, right? It could work out.

Light: No.

*Light b****slaps Tidus*

*Yuna walks up right as Light slaps Tidus, then gasps in horror*

Yuna: Tidus? You were dating me AND Light?

Tidus: No, this is just a coincidence...

Yuna: I've had enough of your lies!

*Yuna b***slaps Tidus*

*Jecht walks up right as Yuna slaps Tidus*

Jecht: Did you really just get hit by a girl? You gonna let a woman do that to you?

Tidus: No, you see, it's not like that...

Jecht: What you gonna do, cry? You're pathetic. I can't believe my son is such a weakling.

*Jecht roundhouse kicks Tidus*

*Tidus flies off the stage*

Light: The FINAL BLOW!

Yuna: GO JECHT!

Jecht: So ladies... interested in a three-way?

*Yuna giggles and nods. Light hesitates, then nods as well.*

Jecht: Great. I know all the different ways to have fun with two girls, so you fine little gals can just relax and let this HULKING STUD dominate you for today. You cool with that, b****es?

Light: You know my answer, muscleman.

Yuna: I'll take what she's taking.

*Jecht grins as he has hot, passionate fun in the fiery lava with the two girls*


	3. Chapter 3

*It is the day of the orgy… nization party, and all the characters are coming to Jecht's place*

Prishe: Hey, it's the doc! How the hell are ya' doing, Shantotto?

*Shantotto is drunk and more talkative than usual*

Shantotto: I'm having quite a nice time, warrior of kung fu, though I do have a very important mission to do.

Prishe: O'rlly? What's that?

Shantotto: Lightning, you know her, the pink-haired b****. I plan on killing her this very day, that arrogant witch.

Prishe: 0_o

Shantotto: Oh man, oh god, oh s***, oh dear! Have I spoken aloud my plans for your inferior mind to hear?

Prishe: Hey, I take offense to… AW HELL!

*Shantotto shoots a massive ball of fire and turns Prishe into a pile of ash*

*Kefka and Terra walk into the scene*

Kefka: Oh look, it's the egoistic little midget. What malevolent scheme are you planning this time? Are you going to slay a thousand innocent babies? Maybe give me a B-minus? I really do HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE B-minuses, don't I, Terra?

Terra: Yep! The clown hates B-minuses more than he hates people who sound like lines from a self-help book!

Shantotto: Oh, is that so? Well, I've got nothing up my sleeves, I'll have you know.

Kefka: Do you think I'll fall for a lie like that? You may be a skilled mage, but your acting is so bad it makes us pass gas!

*Kefka and Terra simultaneously fart*

*Terra looks at the pile of ash that was once Prishe*

Terra: A pile of ash… I wonder whom was the victim of Shanty's little Firaga spell…?

Shantotto: You're quite mistaken, my poor tranee, for I am as innocent as I can be.

Kefka: What's that noise that I hear? It sounds like the SWOOOSH of a blatant lie! It seems you've taught someone why oppose rhymes with dispose, haven't you, Shanty-darling?

Shantotto: That's not true….

Terra: OBJECTION!

Kefka: THIS DECISIVE EVIDENCE PROVES THAT YOU ARE INDEED GUILTY OF MURDER, AND I WILL BREAK YOUR PSYCHE LOCKS TO FIGURE IT OUT!

Terra: TAKE THAT!

Shantotto: …err, I don't know what drugs you two are taking, but you're making my brain start aching. You know what, I'm claustrophobic and you two are breaking my bubble. I'll go see if that chef Quina is having any trouble.

Terra: You weren't claustrophobic when I was beating the pulp out of your sorry little ass in Pandemonium.

Shantotto: Actually, the only reason you won, was because of my claustrophobia, hon.

*Kefka pulls out Tier List*

Kefka: Nope, it's not that. Terra's just high tier and you're a low tier weakling. Which brings me to another question: why is it that a young girl who hates fighting is stronger than a war hero with unrivaled destructive power? The laws of this universe are so stupid, even Exdeath can't ignore their idiocy.

Shantotto: It's obvious that Nomura is to blame. Now get out of my sight, your lines are quite lame!

*Shantotto casts Warp on Kefka and Terra, sending them to another dimension*

*Female Cloud and Zidane are eavesdropping on the conversation*

FCloud: Huh, Terra's acting weird. Wonder why that is…

Zidane: She's under the influence of the Slave Crown. That clown is a sick bastard….

FCloud: Slave Crowns? I could use one of those….

Zidane: What! That's disgusting! Even a guy like me with an insatiable urge for intimate contact with female anatomy would never use one of those dastardly devices!

FCloud: …First of all, that's a lot of big words. This isn't a performance on the Prima Vista, ya' know.

Zidane: …I spend too much time around people with thongs…

FCloud: Secondly, I never said I'd use a Slave Crown on a woman. That's horrible.

Zidane: Then who would you…?

FCloud: Chocobos. Slaves. Beastality. That is all.

Zidane: *moans*

FCloud: *moans*

*Tifa and Garnet are eavesdropping on the conversation*

Garnet: And now you see why I dumped Zidane after the ending credits of FFIX.

Tifa: Gosh, I knew he's a perv, but that monkey's worse than Bartz. Who's the chick he's hanging out with?

Garnet: I don't think that's a chick…

Tifa: ?

Garnet: Ya' know… she looks a lot like Cloud… but female… you know what I'm getting at?

Tifa: ?

Garnet: You know… remember the crossdressing scene?

Tifa: No, what are you… oh, that.

*Tifa's face turns red out of embarrassment, then anger. She starts flexing her muscles and clenching her fists.*

Tifa: That mutha****ing b****y s***faced d***headed a**hole POOPYHEAD! BLARGH! IMM'A FIRIN' MA LAZORZ!

*Tifa does a primal roar and dashes towards FCloud, shooting lazers at him. FCloud realizes Tifa has recognized him/her and flees. The two lovebirds run out of Jecht's house.*

Zidane: Well… that was an odd turn of events.

Garnet: Why hello there…Zidawn.

Zidane: HOLYSONAVA… where did you come from?

Garnet: *winks* Alexandria, dummy! GUARDS, ARREST THIS MAN FOR HAVING ILLEGAL SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH CHOCOBOS!

Zidane: *uses Flee*

*Light and Jecht are inside a dark room in another part of Jecht's house. They are… having fun… with rubber… in a very intimate way*

Jecht: YEAH!

Light: YEAH!

Jecht: Gosh, that was nice. You're one hot little lady.

Light: We've got quiet a mess to clean up, huh?

Jecht: Hope the rubber didn't break…

Light: Ugh… my legs are sore. You're the roughest man I've ever seen in bed. Those muscles got me sweating, badboy.

*Jecht turns on the light. Across the room are rubber moogles that Lightning and Jecht have been kickboxing in bed. They are scattered across the floor and one of them is broken.*

Jecht: Damn it, the rubber did break. Are you still sweating?

Light: Never knew it took so much effort to kick a rubber moogle… oh s***, I've got a leg cramp…

Jecht: Don't worry, It's just cause you're around such a sexy stud like me. *flexes biceps, causing gargantuan mountains of muscle to explode out of Jecht's powerful manly arms*

Light: *moans at Jecht's sexiness*

Jecht: I'm gonna go clean myself up and check out on the guests. You get ready and I'll get ya' when I'm ready, okay?

Light: *is unable to do anything but moan at Jecht's sexiness*

Jecht: What's that? *scratches his manly, godlike, superhuman 8-pack abs of sexiness*

Light: *continues moaning at Jecht's sexiness.

Jecht: Oh, is my sexiness making it hard for you to speak? Sorry, alpha b****, I'll leave now.

Light: *moans*

Jecht: *leaves*

Light: Finally… I can talk again…

*Light creates a mental image of Jecht's perfect body*

Light: Much better. *starts moaning again*

*Back at the party*

Emperor: …So that's why my hubby isn't here today… He was always my most FABULOUS tree…

Sephiroth: Stop pretending you're sad.  
Emperor: Excuse me?

Sephiroth: Your hubby… will never be a memory.

Emperor: Is this your idea of a joke? Exdeath's death was a horrible tragedy, it has brought unFABULOUS sorrow to me… do you enjoy mocking his demise?

Sephiroth: What are you saying? Are you trying to tell me you have feelings too?

Emperor: Well of course I have feelings! Your derogatory attitude towards his life is not FABULOUS at all!

Sephiroth: I should have ruled the Planet. I was stronger, smarter. But then you came, you inferior dullard...You came and took this planet away from me.

Emperor: In all my years of studying Final Fantasy history, I've never seen a ruler of the Planet with long silver hair, a pretty boy face, and a katana. You're just jelly because I'm a king and you're not. ^_^

Sephiroth: …My jelliness? What do I have to be jealous about? I am the chosen one. I have been chosen to be leader of the Planet. I have orders to take back the Planet from you stupid person for the Cetra. What do I have to be jelly about?

*Emperor is about to smack Sephiroth with his long golden shaft, but Ultemecia interrupts him*

Ultemecia: Hey there, somebody's lookin' fabulous on this fine evening…

Emperor: *laughs* Oh, I feel ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS today! How 'bout you, Ulty?

Ultemecia: *laughs* The same.

Sephiroth: *drooling* YOU LOOK GOOD!

Ultemecia: Ugh, not this guy again. TIME KOMPRESSION!

Sephiroth: Wait, I didn't - *frozen in time*

Emperor: So, you still looking for an assist?

Ultemecia: I'll be yours if you be mine.

Emperor: Always a pleasure.

*Kain is standing in the corner, looking like a cool, brooding badass*

CoD: Would you like a drink, sir?

Kain: Nah, I'm too MANLY to drink.

CoD: Or it's because you're underage and you're using your armor to disguise that fact.

Kain: What? No!

*Kain takes off his helmet, revealing the face of a 50-year-old man*

*CoD pukes in horror*

Kain: Oh come on… I'm not THAT ugly, am I?

CoD: Your voice is audio erotica, but that face? *pukes again*

Kain: *sighs and puts helmet back on*

CoD: That's a lot better. As long as you keep your face covered at all times, you're actually quite attractive.

Kain: Would you help me lose my virginity?

CoD: No. I have enough guys throwing themselves at me as it is. Besides, I've devoted myself to the sexgod Jecht. You could have a hundred times more muscle in your body and still be unable to beat him in an arm wrestling contest, your two hands versus his pinky.

Kain: *thinks of Jecht's manliness* *instant boner*

CoD: …why can I see that through your armor?

Kain: …

*Kain awkwardly struts off, trying to look like a badass and doing a pretty bad job at it*


End file.
